Changes…

I’ve always had a hard time with change, or more so, with the fantasies running around inside my head about them. All of the changes in my life lately have been, or are going to be, positive changes. Leaving my job. Starting school. Thinking about my eating habits. Moving in with F. All of these things are moves in a forward direction. All that aside, I’m scared.

Scared that I could crack under pressure. That I will not be as good in school as I used to be. That what has been a blissfully happy relationship thus far will be irrevocably changed by sharing a full-time living space. That I will go back to smoking full time (the stress lately has led me to smoke maybe 1 or 2 a day, no more thankfully). That I will be so unwise with my finances that I dig myself into a grave so deep that escaping is not an option.

I can’t cry right now. I don’t know why, but so much of it seems blocked up inside of me. I just want enough of a catharsis to be able to make the transition smoothly. I want to be able to have my faith, in word, thought, and deed, feel whole again. I want to know that, even in my own head, I’m being successful, and that has always been a hard truth to accept.

I want to know that people see Christ in me, in my life. That somehow, I help them feel loved, even if only for the brief moments they cross my path. I want to be a good husband, a good partner. F. and I both share fears of fighting, of conflict. We’re scared of how we may (will) hurt each other. Of sharing finances. Of being more emotionally vulnerable. Or seeing more scars or baggage than we already have of each other.

All of this is illogical, irrational. I want to be able to hold on to the concrete facts: that my faith is strongly developing, that I will be good in school, that I can not have to rely on cigarettes to ease my stress, that I am a good representation of Jesus, that I am a good man who loves his partner and tries to put him first.

So for any who read this, just offer up a prayer (or in Peter Pan language, a happy thought). For myself and my schooling and my career and my finances. For my witness. For my relationship. For those with whom I interact. For my heart.

In His Arms,
M.

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~ by Michael O. on August 19, 2010.

4 Responses to “Changes…”

  1. Changes are rough, even when we expect and hope for them. May Christ uphold you always and direct the steps of your heart through this time of uncertainty.

  2. Of course I’ll keep you in my prayers, Michael. As long as we meditate and rely on Jesus, we’ve already made the first step. Ciggs are nasty, but I realize the comfort they bring. I’ll pray you’ll have the strength to avoid them. Stay strong! We all face turmoils in our relationship, they are inevtibale. But they help us grow together with the person we’re with. We can’t let fights or disagreements tear us apart. However, sharing finances and living together is a HUGE step, and also one that will either make or break your relationship.

  3. Of course I will keep you in my prayers. I think you have the right combination for a seminarian which is heart and also just enough nerdineass to make it through. If you are ever in need of an extra hug or a cup of coffee to hash out that precious first-year I am a phone call a way just as a number of seminarian at HC.

    With you and Frank make sure that you carve out time together, but also time away and times that you are in the apartment alone. I used to live with my ex-boyfriend and we found it crucial for our relationship to do this. Maybe because I’m an introvert and crave that alone time, but it seemed to work wonders for our relationship. Fights are inevetiably going to happen, but work through it and rely on the strong foundation you’ve already built and you guys will come out on the other side and probably strengthed the relationship in the long-run.

    *hugs*

  4. I don’t think any of what you’re feeling is illogical. Anticipating change is uncomfortable, because it is unknown. You haven’t walked down the path in front of you yet; you are unable to know right now exactly how it’ll all turn out.
    I pray that you and F will be gentle with yourselves and with one another during this transition. Its a learning and growing experience. Its is beautiful, difficult and yet also very rewarding. What has brought me & my beloved through it all is remembering that every interaction (even the worst fight) rests on the same foundation: we love each other; we are deciding to be together; we are choosing to want the best for one another; neither one of us is the enemy. I hope the two of you are able to grasp a foundational key of your connection to help you both through the conflicts.
    If you crack, it doesn’t mean you’ll fall apart. If you don’t succeed with flying colors it doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It is okay to be weak, worn down, and exhausted. Sometimes what really matters is continually putting one foot in front of the other, with dogged determination. Sometimes its knowing that “this” has to work, because if it doesn’t you’re screwed; realizing that Jesus doesn’t screw over those earnestly trying to follow his footsteps.
    And for what its worth, I see Christ in you. I feel Christ pouring out of your heart. You have made a tremendously positive impact on my life.
    You’ll continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

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