Tossing…

My semester finished almost two weeks ago. Since then, I’ve started working on campus for housing & hospitality manning the front desk and helping with other random events. It’s been a good chance to get out and interact with new people as well as prevent myself from developing cabin fever. Anything to keep myself from hitting down-cycles more frequently.

I feel as if I’ve been running into a wall repeatedly lately, as if there is some part of my subconscious that is guarded from my interacting with it. There’s a certain restlessness that ebbs and flows on a regular basis, keeping me in a state of anxiousness. I feel jittery. Sitting still is difficult, and I am mostly unable to just be content with silence or rest. Part of it is a certain angst about continuing to pursue ordination in the UMC. With where the church stands right now, I have to maintain a certainly level of closetedness which can be tiresome and draining. Also, I’m nervous about actually serving a church, albeit in a student capacity. I feel a certain remorse knowing that my family is still not fully supportive of the route I’m taking. Even more so, I’m left wondering what my grandfather would say, how he would feel about my pursuing ministry.

Some days I just want to find a way to go back in time and change everything. Find a way for my mom to have stayed with my biological father, grown up in a different area, been more athletic, gone to a different college for a different major, seen how things could have been different. Maybe it’s just because I am still having difficulty accepting what’s in store for my life. It may be fulfilling, but it will not be easy, I don’t think.

I just want rest, a chance to sleep with no dreams, to listen to no sounds, to breathe in no pain, to love without abandon, to be vulnerable with no chance of damage… alas, this would all amount to not being human, and if I am not that, then I am nothing…

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~ by Michael O. on May 25, 2011.

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