I don’t know how to grieve. Right now, numb is mostly all I feel. I have a hard time crying, eating, sleeping without medication, accepting affection. Every touch, every hug simply reminds me that I won’t feel my arms wrapped around her again. My relationship with her was more intimate than any grandson could ever hope for. The sacrifices she made for me. The pride she took in the man I’ve become. The numerous affirmations she gave me, reminding me of her love for me on a regular basis, in a way that no one else could do.

I went into therapy on Monday with Blake, and unlike most sessions, I had no idea where to start or what to say. All who know me well know that speechless is a rare face for me. Yet in every encounter in the last week and a half, when asked how I’m doing, I can’t help but want to say just how shitty I feel right now. And I’m having to learn to stop assuming that everyone knows or should know what’s happened simply because I spill my entire life out on Facebook.

More later…


~ by Michael O. on June 22, 2011.

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