Numb…

I miss her, desperately. It’s one of those lazy Saturday mornings where I would make a cup of coffee, lay down on the couch, and just call her. I miss her laughter, hearing the smile in her voice. I regret not calling her one last time that Thursday before the accident – that’s the hardest part for me, knowing that I missed that opportunity.

I still find myself having moments of denial, of thinking that it didn’t happen, that she’s not really gone, and then reality hits. I have clear moments of anger, of feeling that life somehow betrayed me. I just want to scream most days – run away to the middle of nowhere and let out some carnal yell from deep within that evinces the level of pain that I feel. I have anger because my mom keeps asking if I’m going to pay my portion of the costs, making me feel insignificant and unwanted, as if, now that Nanny’s gone, she can show how she really feels.

As many people as I know love me, none of it compares to the love she had for me. The void that’s present from losing her is vast, immeasurable. Even my writing feels less coherent, less organized. Maybe that’s not a bad thing. Maybe it forces me to let it all out without worrying about how it sounds, how readable it is.

Most days I feel nothing, all my physical and emotional senses numbed. My appetite has decreased, my energy levels are down. I hit depressive lows more frequently, fighting off ideations of taking my own life. I just want to be with her again, to not feel isolated, left out, ignored. She made me feel special, important, like no one else ever did. And now the tears come… Looks like the floodgate is opening…

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~ by Michael O. on July 23, 2011.

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