Getting closer…

This time a year ago, I’d just finished a shift up at Garrett. Tomorrow, I went to a doctor’s appointment, had lunch with a friend, and came home to a Facebook message telling me to call one of Nanny’s neighbors. Little did I know that my world was about to come crashing down…

It’s hard to believe it’s been a year. I still don’t think I’ve quite found that new normal that people who’ve suffered a major loss talk about. We went to the grocery store a little while ago to get food for dinner tonight and for Frankie’s birthday meal tomorrow. While walking through both Jewel and Target, I’d run across little things that brought back memories of my times with Nanny. You don’t realize how much time you spend eating with someone until you go through the store and feel overwhelmed by numerous memories. Little things like fried bologna sandwiches, cooked cabbage and cornbread, meatloaf, and so many other things. There was barely an aisle we went through that didn’t catalyze a new memory. I barely made it through…

I’m a little scared for tomorrow night & Monday morning. The images are still incredibly vivid. I hear my screams. I recall the phone call with Donny telling me the news. I feel my heart drop into my stomach as I collapse in the middle of the courtyard. I think about the sting in my eyes and the horrendous headache I felt at 3 in the morning from crying so hard. I remember the trip with Jon and Michelle to go shopping for our suits and my lack of concern for how much I would spend.

I feel numb right now, which is even more bothersome. There’s a certain familiarity to the pain I experienced a year ago. I want to feel it again. It reminds me that I’m still alive. Unfortunately, it would also remind me that she’s not, and I don’t know if I’m ready for the sharpness of that realization. I guess I will soon find out.

I hope this hasn’t been too melodramatic a post. I just needed to get some thoughts out. It’s been a year filled with many good memories and events. Marrying my best friend and partner in crime. Doing really well in school for yet another year. Becoming a part of 2 new families, Frankie’s and Alex’s. Having two women call me son while my own mother has drifted away from me. I know I’ll be okay. I know I’m loved. And I know she’s still around, inside of me, arms embracing me still. Smiling at me with joy and love just like she always did. Hearing my songs and my ramblings in those times of solitude.

It’s still all just too much…

~ by Michael O. on June 9, 2012.

One Response to “Getting closer…”

  1. Cry as you need. Wrap yourself in the shawl and know you are not alone. Give your self permission to spend time with grief. but also think of those memories that make you bust out laughing. Praying for you. And will be there to hug you tomorrow.

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